Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else
Here’s a common problem that I see much too often when speaking to people about their personal development. They think that they have to be as good (or better) at something, or progress as quickly, as someone else who’s doing the same thing.
That sounds vague and weird, so let me give you an example. Let’s say that you and a friend have both decided to lose some weight. Just to pick a number, we’ll say you both want to lose 50 pounds. OK, so you both start dieting and exercising and doing all of the right things that you need to do to lose the weight.
Well, now let’s say that your friend seems to be losing the weight faster than you. You may not understand how that could be, and you may get upset thinking that it’s not working as well for you and that maybe you’re doing something wrong, and then you get frustrated and quit. But that’s completely the wrong attitude to have.
First of all, you should start by being happy for your friend’s accomplishments. Then it’s important to realize that not everyone’s body is the same and that some people lose or gain weight more quickly than others. It’s just a matter of their metabolism and their genetic make up, and a whole bunch of other scientific criteria that I don’t understand.
So it’s best if you don’t think of it as a competition, since it isn’t. It’s supposed to be two people trying to make their lives and their health better. That’s it. You should be there to encourage each other. Actually, seeing someone else’s success should encourage you, because now you’ve seen that it can be done. It’s all in your perspective. And you can choose to look at it positively or negatively.
OK, let me give you another example. I play the guitar. I have since I was 10 years old. I always enjoyed playing, and I practiced a lot when I was a kid, for two reasons: I wanted to be really good and I had big dreams of being a huge rock star one day. And I actually got to be pretty decent at playing the guitar, at least by my standards at the time.
Then I went to college. I studied music at New York Universtiy in Manhattan. And I did graduate, so I currently have a degree in music from NYU, which is kinda neat. Anyway, while I was there I naturally spent a lot of time around other musicians. Really good musicians. It took very little time for me to realize that I was not nearly as good as these other people I was in class with.
They played their instruments better (many of them played multiple instruments, and played all of them better than I played guitar), they wrote better songs, and they were actually willing to get up on stage and perform in front of people, something that I was always a bit shy about.
And since I couldn’t really keep up, I very quickly got discouraged, and even more shy about letting others hear me play. I didn’t want to embarass myself in front of these better musicians. Sometimes, they would get together and have small jam sessions, and I’d only joined in a few times before I gave it up entirely. Sometimes I’d be there while they played, and when they’d ask me to join in, I’d decline. In fact, some of them weren’t even music students, and they still played better than me. So that was pretty discouraging, as well.
So, as time passed, I played less and less, until it got to the point where I barely played at all.
I didn’t tell you this story to be a big downer, but rather to serve as a warning, and hopefully as encouragement. There’s no reason why I couldn’t have kept playing guitar. I don’t think my friends would have really cared that I wan’t as good as them. I think they just wanted to play some music and have a good time. If I had recognized that then, I could have let myself have a good time, too.
And so can you. Remember that whatever it is you want to do in life – learning to play an instrument, losing weight, learning a new trade, quitting smoking, painting – it isn’t a competition. The only person you’re really competing against is yourself and your image of yourself. If you realize that, then there’s a lot that you can do and achieve.
No, you don’t have to be the next Jimi Hendrix, but you can play guitar and enjoy it. You don’t have to be the next Jack LaLanne, but you can lose weight and get in shape and feel good about yourself. You don’t have to be the next John D. Rockefeller, but you can find a good job that makes you the amount of money that you want to live on. And so on. I’m running out of examples.
My friend, Madeleine Kay, wrote in her book Serendipitously Rich
She goes on to point out that this is based on the idea that supplies are limited. That if someone else has more, then there is less available for you.
We often view money this way, but we also view things such as happiness this way without realizing it. But there is always plenty to go around, so it makes no difference if someone else has more than you. There’s no reason why you can’t be just as happy. Even if you haven’t lost as much weight, or don’t have the same artistic expression, or don’t make as much money.
It’s up to you to make yourself happy. But you’ll never be happy if you’re always trying to match everyone else. All you have to do is decide to do the best that you can do, not the best that someone else can do.
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All you have to do is decide to do the best that you can do, not the best that someone else can do.
I am ready to write a book and this came at exactly the right time! Thank you so much for reminding me that I am not everyone else, I am me.
I’m happy to help. Good luck with your book. Be sure to let me know how it goes.